Lament by Rilke

Lament   by Rainer Maria Rilke

Everything is far and long gone by. I think that the star glittering above me has been dead for a million years. I think there were tears in the car I heard pass and something terrible was said. A clock has stopped striking in the house across the road... When did it start?... I would like to step out of my heart an go walking beneath the enormous sky. I would like to pray. And surely of all the stars that perished long ago, one still exists. I think that I know which one it is-- which one, at the end of its beam in the sky, stands like a white city...

A Break -- And The Whole Story

First of all I feel like I have to talk about my job.  I know yesterday I said I am sick to death of it (or something like that).  I do get burned out.  But I do love my job.  It's really the perfect situation -- work at home -- partish time with full-time pay.  Totally flexible for the kids.  LOVE LOVE LOVE my boss.  Couldn't ask for a better boss.  On top of that we truly are friends.  He was the minister at my wedding.  He also officiated at my father-in-laws memorial service.  I truly am blessed.

My preference would be to not work.  To just be a mom.  That's not an option financially so if I have to work this is the only job I want.

Much of yesterday's post is due to three external situations in my life.  By external I mean not some crap happening inside of me.  Just life stuff.  They are:

1.  Gout -- My husband has gout.  The past ten days he has been incapacitated when at home.  He's still working.  I don't know how.  At home he's on crutches.  During the day his work boots give him enough support to hobble around.  Before the gout came back his back had gone out.  Really he's been having back problems since Father's Day.  The past month (almost) he really has been not able to do ANYTHING around the house.  Nothing.   It's been tough.  I feel for him and I am exhausted.  He talked to a doctor yesterday and the supplements he started taking this week are exactly what he needs so he's on the right track. 

2.  Sam -- Senile Dog.  I'm still having problems getting Sam to sleep.  Most nights she wakes me up and wants me to come to the living room.  I've tried a cage (she pooped on herself and I had to give her a bath at 3:00 a.m.), benadryl,  and some other stuff I'm to tired to remember.  So I'm really really tired.  Today I'm setting up a series of night lights for her throughout the house.  Hoping this helps.   

3.  Yoga -- My Wednesday class was cancelled.  Attendance started out strong but the past month or so it has really dropped off.  The last two weeks there was no one there.  The studio owner cancelled it.  We are going to see if people complain and if they do we may start it up at a later time of day or different day of the week.  I found this out Wednesday night.  I knew it was coming.  I'm really discouraged about it.  I get really good feedback from my students.  I don't think it's me.  Or not all me. This is a small city.  Not a big market for yoga.  But it really rocked my confidence in myself as a teacher.  Despite the fact that experienced yogis always compliment and enjoy my classes.  I don't know. I wish I could teach full time and instead I'm teaching less and less.  I feel horrible about it and kind of stupid and sad.

So those three things above are just things to get through and deal with.  They'll pass, change, shift.  J44 will get better, Sam will eventually die (well, she will) and I will find my way as a yogi. 

This weekend I am getting a huge break.  The kids are going to the beach with my mother-in-law.  J44 is staying home because of his foot.  At first D9 was staying home so I said I would stay home.  This morning D9 decided he was going (really, you wouldn't believe the beach trip drama we've been going through this week) and I said I was still staying home to help J44, help Sam and just GET SOME SLEEP.    Three days to breathe.  Catch up on laundry, housecleaning.  I'm going to the movies and doing a lot of quilting.  

I'm really looking forward to it even though I'm really going to miss the kids.  

Ugly

I feel ugly.  I feel stupid and clumsy and like I shouldn't be here.  I get out of bed early.  Around 5:15.  I write my morning pages.  It's like writing mud.  Then I get on the mat.  It's slow.  It's sad.  I spend 25, maybe 30 minutes on my mat.  Doing slow, low poses.  I try to listen to my body.  Feel into my body.  It's creaky.  A little achy.  I haven't been taking care of it.

I feel fat.  I've been doing so much nervous eating.  I've gained weight when I should be losing.

I feel like a fraud.

I miss the piano.  I used to be someone who played two hours a day.  That was college.  But more recently I was someone who played an hour a day.  How did I lose that?

To yoga?  I can't do everything.

The mat, meditation, journaling.  Those are essential.  Must happen for my sanity.

Which might not seem so obvious right now.

I've been so discouraged lately.  I don't know how to do this.

My kids need me so much right now.  So so much.  D9 and J13.  They are in the middle of it.  So much going on in those sweet little heads.  So much worry and pain and growing and finding and fear and I want to stick my head in the sand, feel like I have been sticking my head in the sand.

Feeling like I had to much going on.  Feeling like I'm not present enough.  To caught up in wondering what if and why not and finding it impossible to be right here.

It is so stupid.

I feel stupid too.

I feel lost.  I feel a bit of hopelessness and a whole lot of panic and not even here and how do I do this?

This being get dinner on the table every night and help J13 learn how to study and organize and grow and be comfortable in his own skin.  And also remember I have a second child who needs me too.  Who has doubts and insecurities and questions and fears.

How can I show my kids how to be comfortable in their skin when I'm not comfortable in mine?

Here's one no one likes to hear.  I am sick to death tired of my job.  It's stressful and it's demanding and I don't enjoy it.  No, that's not quite it. I do enjoy it sometimes and I love my boss and the people I work with.  But I'm not passionate about it.  I do it because it is a sweet deal for me -- working at home and total flexibility to be home with the kids when they need me or to do stuff at school.  Everyone tells me how lucky I am to have this job and I am.

That said I feel lost.  I feel like I'm standing on the sidelines and life is just whirling past me and I can't quite reach out and grab anything.  It's just going to fast.

I feel like I almost can't quite breath.  Not fully and deeply.  Like I can't even quite hold onto the essentials.