Shopping Makes My Ass Look Fat

or

Why I'm Drinking a Double Pomegranate Martini

Guess what? Shopping makes my ass look fat. I'm not making this up. It's true.

You may have noticed this yourself.

At home you're safe.

But as soon as you hit the store and dare to go into the dressing room, there it is. Your ass has doubled in size. Then it's all over. Even when you leave the store it's there. In the windows of the stores you walk past. In the mirrors they so stupidly place around the store.

In the horrified faces of the other women you walk past.

Today I went shopping for some summerish pants -- something below the knee but above the ankle.

What a nightmare.

I tried on a lot of pants -- but there was something wrong with all of them. They all made my ass look fat. Gargantuan. I know it can't really be that bad can it?

But it is. Oh it is.

I finally broke down and bought a pair at one of those chain stores targeted at middle aged women such as myself.

I hate those stores.

They looked so bad my husband commented on them and he never says anything.

In fact they were so bad he sent me out shopping again after dinner.

Now you know it was bad.

I ended up, out of desperation, buying a couple pairs that will get me through the summer and OK I even like them.

Although that could be the vodka talking.

You know what the worst part is? I have two swimsuits sitting in my room that I ordered but have not tried on yet. I'm gonna need a hell of a lot more martinis before I face that.

New Yorker Fiction Podcast -- Go Listen

I've been catching up on some podcasts. One of my favorites is The New Yorkers Fiction Podcast. You can download it on iTunes and and XML.

If you're not familiar with the podcast an author picks a short story that has appeared in The New Yorker, reads the story and then discusses it with Deborah Treisman, fiction editor for the magazine.

It's a great way to find new authors -- both those reading and those being read.

I just listened to Joshua Ferris read Adams by George Saunders. I hadn't heard of either Ferris or Saunders. Now I want to read both of them. You can read Adams here, but I recommend downloading the podcast here.

This story might be a little dark for some of you, but it's also funny and relevant.

Early Freaking Summer

I know some of you had snow a couple of weeks ago. So sorry.

Here in lovely middle Georgia we are having summer. It's going to be 88 degrees here today.

This weather is playing Jedi mind tricks on me. I am ready for summer vacation. I'm so tired of making the kids go to school.

We cleaned out the pool and filled it up last week and I spent most of Saturday and Sunday in the backyard gardening while the kids swam.

In the past two weeks I've planted tomatoes, zucchini, cucumbers, bell peppers, basil, thyme (two kinds), oregano (two kinds), dill, cilantro, and parsley (two freaking kind).

Much of that went into newly dug beds. Dug out of sod. Not fun.

I've also cleaned out my front yard flowers and planted a bunch of gerbera daisies, marigolds and zinnias. I'm having daily conversations with the mint and chocolate mint because they are threatening to take over everything. Which I love. But really it's ridiculous.

I also relocated two azaleas.

Dang, I am quite awesome aren't I?

Also the lavender is out of control. It needs to be trimmed back but it's blooming and I can't cut it when it's blooming. I mean I can, I just won't. It also produces quite a few babies which I can't throw away, but keep planting. Eventually my yards are going to be solid lavender, mint and oregano. Which might not be a bad thing.

Don't even get me started on the rosemary.

Most of our backyard is a jungle so I'm trying to trim hedges and cut down trees. This summer I'm really going to try and clean it up. I hired my ex-lawn guy to trim the front hedges because I hate that job so very much. Also whenever he comes by we discuss literature, world travel, art, yoga, boating, running, etc. The only thing that would make him better would be if he were still my lawn guy and not my ex-lawn guy.

Friday. A Poem.

April is Poetry Month.

I'm sure you are all as excited as I am.

You should be.

So here's a poem that came via e-mail yesterday. It's nice. Hope you like it.

Oh, and maybe I will start blogging something besides poetry again.

Maybe.

These Heroics

by Leonard Cohen

If I had a shining head

and people turned to stare at me

in the streetcars;

and I could stretch my body

through the bright water

and keep abreast of fish and water snakes;

if I could ruin my feathers

in flight before the sun;

do you think that I would remain in this room,

reciting poems to you,

and making outrageous dreams

with the smallest movements of your mouth?