Poem Thursday - Rumi

This week has been crazy busy and kind of kicking my ass.  So glad tomorrow is Friday.    Hope you enjoy a little Rumi today:

Zero Circle
by Rumi

Be helpless, dumbfounded
Unable to say yes or no.
Then a stretcher will come from grace
to gather us up.
We are too dull-eyed to see that beauty.
If we say we can, we're lying.
If we say No, we don't see it,
that No will behead us
And shut tight our window onto spirit.
So let us rather not be sure of anything,
Beside ourselves, and only that, so
Miraculous beings come running to help.
Crazed, lying in a zero circle, mute,
We shall be saying finally,
With tremendous eloquence, Lead us.
When we have totally surrendered to that beauty,
We shall be a mighty kindness.

Way More Then 10 Word Tuesday

First of all -- is it "then" or "than?"

And do the quote marks on the above sentence go before or after the question mark?

I want to write and tell you about the birthday party I went to Saturday night and  how wonderful it was and how a friend helped me prep for it and how freaking amazing it was to spend time with my friends.  I really need to write that post.

But not today.

I took it easy yesterday -- since it was a no school day for the kids.  OK, since I felt like it.

So I'm kind of behind on everything and this morning has started out wacky.

First I went to make lunches and didn't have the stuff I needed.  So I rushed the kids, we left five minutes early (so on time) and I ran into Kroger and picked up stuff for them.

Then, as we are driving to school, D8 says "I forgot my glasses."  UGH.  Of course he did.

So I dropped them off, came home, walked the dogs, thankyouGod found the glasses, drove back to school and while I was driving got a text asking if I could sub teach for a yoga class tonight.

Yes!  No! Yes!  It will be my second class so the whole thing is still pretty scary to me.  I'm forcing myself to do it.  I have to get through the scary first few classes.

So today is kinda busy, already late to work, having lunch with my husband, need to go back to the grocery store and I'm dying to start a baby quilt that I'm determined to get done for a shower on March 19.

Stop laughing.  I can to so do it.

Maybe.

Friday Anxiety.

Tomorrow night I'm supposed to go to a 1920s themed party at a bar in Atlanta.  I'm supposed to dress up.

Huh.

This is so out of my comfort zone it's not even funny.

I don't go to parties.  I don't dress up.

Still, I bought a flapperish dress, a hat, borrowed some shoes.  Put it all on and ohmygod I look like an 80 year old woman going to a funeral.  An 80 year old woman going to a funeral who thought she could pull off a dress with spaghetti straps.

Holy crap.

I have never in my life worn spaghetti straps.

I'm totally panicking this morning on what to wear to this party.  Or if I should go.  It's a testament to how much I love the birthday girl and my other friends who will be there that I'm trying to pull my shit together to go.

I want to see everyone and I also want to really keep pushing myself to open up and do new things and not not not not slip back into the old me who was just half of me.  At best.

I'm buying a back up outfit of black jeans and something to go with it just in case I can't pull the flapper thing off.

Damn.  I have to go shopping now.

poem thursday -- you must read this poem (and i rambled)

It's hard to start coming into your own at the age of 43.  It really is.  

Does this happen to everyone?

Are we constantly evolving or do we change in spurts or does both happen?

Well, I've been stagnant for years but slowly finding my way to this point.  Finding yoga five or six years ago.  My practice coming and going but always wanting more.  Signing up for teacher training and then finding myself in an environment and with people that force me to take a look at myself and start to dig back to my true self instead of hiding and waiting and being scared.

I'm meeting resistance and that's hard.  I don't know what the line is -- when does it become selfish to become yourself? 

I've tried writing about the above a bunch of times the last day or two and decided to skip it and post a poem today -- and of course started rambling at you and writing about it a bit anyways.

Then a wonderful thing happened.  I was tracking down a poem I'd heard in a yoga class (which I'll use next week) and I came upon the following poem, which says perfectly how I am feeling right now.  Describes what I'm going through.  Also, I discovered a new (to me) poet.   

I love when this happens, when a poem, song, book, person finds you exactly at the moment you need them.  That happened this morning when I found this poem. 

You know what?  It also happened when I went to teacher training and found my new yogi friends.  They came into my life exactly when they were supposed to.   I think I will not let go of them. 

The Invitation

  by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.

I want to know what you ache for,

and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are.

I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love,

for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.

I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow.

If you have been opened by life's betrayals or

have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own,

without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own;

if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you

to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful,

be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true,

I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself,

if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul;

I want to know if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it is not pretty every day,

and if you can source your life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours or mine,

and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes."

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.

I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair,

weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here.

I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.  

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.

I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself,

and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Ten Word Tuesday

Today I will not take the path of least resistance.

Ten Word Tuesday

Today I will not take the path of least resistance.

Ugh. Yeah, I said UGGGHHH

You would think since I graduated from yoga teacher training on Saturday I'd be all blissed out and enlightened today.

Instead I feel cranky and grouchy and scared.  Ugh.  Yucky.  I feel yucky.  I miss everyone so much.  We spent a lot of time in circle (yes, like kindergarten) and doing all this emotionally intense soul searching stuff.  Damn it if I didn't get ridiculously attached to these people and actually made friends.

I know.

Yes I am proud of myself for completing the course and getting certified.  It doesn't really seem to mean much to me though.  It's just barely the beginning.  I don't really know anything about teaching or yoga or any of it.

I'm scared my old life, my real life is going to suck me back into the old me.  The stuck me.  The one that stopped believing in change or hope or people or puppies or any damn thing.

I feel like, over the past few months I dropped a lot of all the yucky stupid stuff that's built up over the past 15 years and has been holding me down.

Now I'm scared it's going to come back.

Also, losing all that stuff, I can see how much change I want in my life.  How much more change.  How unhappy I am with my job.  How I don't really want to live in this town anymore.  I miss the city.  Spending so much time in Atlanta, with my new friends.  I'm so afraid of losing that.

But I know I'm going to lose it.  But do I have to?

Are you still reading this post?  It's a mess.

I'm a mess today.  I'm not happy.  I'm scared.  I want those people back.  I want the circle back.  I want the safety of the circle back.

I know the point of the whole thing was to bring about actual, real change so we could become our true, genuine selves get out there and help people.  And I want to do that.

Today, and for a few more days,  I'm in mourning.

I have to leave so much behind to move ahead.

Poem Thursday - Bly

This is one of my favorites.  So very true.

The Face in the Toyota

   by Robert Bly

Suppose you see a face in a Toyota

One day, and you fall in love with that face,

And it is Her, and the world rushes by

Like dust blown down a Montana street.

And you fall upward into some deep hole

And you can’t tell God from some grain of sand.

And your life is changed, except that now you

Overlook even more than you did before;

And these ignored things come to bury you,

And you are crushed, and your parents

Can’t help you anymore, and the woman in the Toyota

Becomes a part of the world that you don’t see.

And now the grain of sand becomes sand again,

And you stand on some mountain road weeping.

Does Anything Ever Happen on a Wednesday? K, I'll Rant.

Since I am unofficially committed to blogging every week day -- at least for awhile -- I'm desperately trying to think of something to post about today.

I'll admit I thought about posting that my cat likes to eat dog food.  She's flexible that way.

Then this morning when I was going through the excruciating ordeal of J12 getting dressed I thought I had the perfect post. I mean really.  How long can it take one child to get dressed.  What is there to day dream about when you are putting on your shoes?  OK, fine if it happens once.  But every single day?

And no. No I don't think you need to stop and play with the dog and the cat and the other dog and the OTHER dog when you are on your way to the bathroom to brush. your. teeth.

OK and that's another thing.  He's 12.  He's starting to take longer in the bathroom.  He's in there to brush teeth and put on deodorant.  I think he's checking himself out in the mirror.  Ha.  This cracks me up.  Because at this point I'm not getting any indication that he cares one way or the other what girls think.

Except I am starting to get indications that he cares one way or the other what girls think.

For instance.  If his hair is mussed up in the morning (he still showers at night) (he'd be so pleased to know I share this on the internet) I'll get a comb and we'll fix it.  He used to whine and fidget.  Now he says, "what about my hair?"  Ha.  HA HA HA.  He's growing up despite himself.  Probably despite me as well.

Yesterday he told me they are studying health in science.  I said, "oh, are you guys talking about sex?"

He said, "no."

I said, "You will."

"But there's a gross picture."

I said, "Naked lady?  Boobs?"

"NO!  A bladder!!"

"The sex is coming" I told him.

That night he had the exact same conversation with his dad and I was listening in and I said, "Someday you are actually going to want to have sex."

He was grossed out.

Good.  Because I am not ready for that yet.

All right.  There you go.  A post.  Maybe not a rant, but it's Wednesday.

I give myself points for showing up.

Ten Word Tuesday

Sometimes I feel small and forgotten, reaching for your hand.

Endings, Beginnings

This weekend is my last full weekend of yoga teacher training (YTT). We graduate on the 12th.  This is our last full two days together.  I'm so sad it's almost over.  I'm also very excited it's almost over.

There are so many good things I could (and probably will) tell you about this experience.  Honestly one of the nicest things has been having those two solid days and one night completely to myself.  Once I leave the house I don't have to worry about anything except YTT.  It's been awfully self-indulgent.  Doing yoga, hanging out with friends,  learning about something I really want to know more about.  Not doing laundry, or cooking or running errands or cleaning or dragging everyone to church or just all the average stuff we do on the weekends.

That said today I am rushing around trying to get a few things ready that I have to do this weekend at YTT, packing, buying groceries, etc. etc. etc. and I'm a little tired of that too -- the getting ready for weekends away.

I kind of can't remember what it's like to just have a nice quiet weekend.

One of the challenges for me is that I live 90 minutes from where I'm training.  The other students -- my new friends --  all live up there.  They talk a lot about what will happen afterwards and doing stuff together etc.  and I feel left out.  Because I will be.  Which is no one's fault.

I'm committing to getting back up there on a regular basis.  I know how life can get in the way of that.

It's bittersweet.  It is a big accomplishment to finish the training.  That said I feel like I don't know a damn thing about teaching yoga and that my training, much of it, begins once I do start teaching.

I'm in that place where I don't want something to end and I can't wait for it to end all at the same time.  It's kind of a nice place to be, if you don't have to stay to long.

Poem Thursday - Hafiz

All The Hemispheres

  by Hafiz

Leave the familiar for awhile.

Let your senses and bodies stretch out

Like a welcomed season

Onto the meadows and shores and hills.

Open up to the Roof.

Make a new water-mark on your excitement

And love.

Like a blooming night flower,

Bestow your vital fragrance of happiness

And giving

Upon our intimate assembly.

Change rooms in your mind for a day.

All the hemispheres in existence

Lie beside an equator

In your heart.

Greet Yourself

In your thousand other forms

As you mount the hidden tide and travel

Back home.

All the hemispheres in heaven

Are sitting around a fire

Chatting

While stitching themselves together

Into the Great Circle inside of You.

Restless

I've got the travel bug.  The one that, if I could give into it, would get me out of this country.  On a plane and over some water.  Out of here.  Into a strange place.  Somewhere I haven't been with people I don't know.  OK, maybe I'd like to take one or two people I know.

There are places I'd like to revisit -- Holland for sure.  Machu Picchu.  Northern Thailand.  The Amazon.  But I want to hit up some new places.  Italy.  France. OK all of Europe probably.   Some place in Africa.  Patagonia.  How cool would Patagonia be? (Feel free to picture me as the outdoorsy type now -- but I'm not).

Before I had kids I had started to travel some -- a lot domestically, a little internationally.  In fact I was getting tired of not being home.    When I had my first baby my boss was wonderful enough to start altering my job so that I didn't have to travel as much and definitely not internationally since those trips usually take longer.

I don't often regret it.  But sometimes I do.  Today was kind of one of those days.

I found myself wishing not for more, but for different.  Maybe it's more.  More experiences, more places, more time, more people.

I wonder what my life will be like in ten or 12 years when they are more or less on their own.  This is what I hope.  That when that time comes and I have a little more wiggle room that I will go to Patagonia.  At least Italy.  And all the other stuff I set aside, that I'll push forward and find those places and things I'm longing for now.

I want this now -- to make my one shot at raising them to hit the mark.  I want that more than anything.

At the same time I want to hang on to that restless feeling just a bit, keep it in the back, alive, so I can take it out and let it pull me forward when the time is right.

Ten Word Tuesday

Quiet house.  Tuesday, I would kiss you if I could.