Intention

Three weeks ago we spent much of our yoga teacher training weekend setting our intention for the course. We went through a very thorough, deliberate process to determine and refine our intention.  We worked as a large group and then in smaller groups redefining and reworking until we had just the right intention for ourselves.

At the end of the day, in ceremony, we said our intention out loud.

It was a very powerful weekend.

My intention is to be strong through a life practice of compassionate discipline.

Honestly when the weekend started I wasn't excited or expecting much out of setting an intention.  I would say I kept that attitude through most of the weekend.  I was working on an intention statement but it wasn't really fitting or feeling right until I came up with the above sentence.

My lack of self-discipline in every area of my life has been something I've been thinking about and aware of since last summer.

I've always had a hang up about my lack of physical strength -- which is not as lacking as I'd like to think but is definitely lacking.

It's not just physical strength I'm looking for, but emotional as well.  Maybe more so.  Strength in the way I raise my children, do my job.  Strength in the way I live.  Strength to find myself and to be myself.  To truly be myself.

43 Days ?!!??!! NO, TODAY IT'S 42!

Everything was fine.  It was finally Friday evening, we were sitting in the living room trying to decide what I was going to make for dinner.

And by "make for dinner" I mean pick up take-out or drag the family to a restaurant.

I'm just relaxing, talking to the family, when J12 says "43 days!"

I said, "What???"

Oh, I knew immediately what he was talking about, but I didn't want to admit it.

"What?  What's in 43 days?"

"Christmas!"

It was like a fire alarm went off in my head.  Forty-three days?  Are you kidding me?

I hate when I get a reality check like that.  And just when I had been ready to write a post about how, for probably the first time in my life, I was one hundred percent excited about the holidays.  How I had changed and evolved and had lost all my old fear and worry and expectation of disappointment.

For a moment, when he first said, "43 days" all those old feelings rushed back in.

Then I took a deep breath, realized I was just giving into an old habit and not genuine feelings, exhaled, and welcomed back the excitement and anticipation I had already begun to feel about Christmas.

Yesterday I had been thinking about writing a post about change.  The subtle changes I feel happening in my life because of the yoga and meditation.

 I think I just did.

Wednesday

The problem with NaBloPoMo is you have to post every day.  Even when you don't feel like it.  

D8 has the croup and an ear infection.  He's feeling so much better today.  I'm planning on sending him back to school tomorrow.

I'm feeling sickesh again which is annoying me.  Sickesh. Worn out.  Tired.  Yucky.

I'm feeling the way I did last summer when I found out I was severely anemic.  So I'm headed back to the doctor tomorrow to find out what's going on.  I've been laying on the couch since 2:30 (I just realized) and I can't seem to get anything done.

Probably because I've been laying on the couch since 2:30.

Really hoping it's just a bug and not something actually wrong with me.

How Not To Do A Tuesday (10 Things Tuesday)

1.  When the alarm goes off at 5:00 a.m. -- ignore it.  Change it.  Even though you know your day will be infinitely better if you get up and do some yoga and meditation.

2.  Lay in bed listening to your sick kid cough.  Do this until 6:15.

3.  Get up at 6:15 and do a half-ass meditation (technical term).  Journal instead of taking a shower.  Even though you know not taking a shower will bite you in the ass later.

4.  Get everyone up and moving.  Drag 12 year old to school and ignore his fake coughing and all the moaning about the headache he has.

5.  Get home.  Walk the dogs.  Don't shower.  Fix sickly D8 breakfast.  Make some tea.  Decide not showering is fine because you are not going anywhere today.  It can wait.

6.  Sneak into the office.  Facebook.  Twitter.   Push away the work to do list because it makes you panic and mildly hyperventilate.  Consider taking a shower to procrastinate work.

7.  Actually listen to D8's horrible cough.  Call your pediatrician friend.  No answer.  Call husband.  Does he think D8 needs to go to the doctor?  HE DOES?!?  The world is ending.  Quickly call the pediatrician.   Realize YOU HAVE NOT SHOWERED AND YOU HAVE DEADLINES AT WORK.    Make the appointment for 10:45.

8.  Quickly evaluate the next 90 minutes of your life. Even though you have DEADLINES and have not showered decide you should do your NaBloPoMo post RIGHT NOW.

9.  Spend a few seconds pondering why the hell all of a sudden you are attracted to all caps.  

10.  Pretend the last three hours of your life didn't happen and go take a shower.  Restart the day.  Sort of.

Time for a Meme

I borrowed/stole/copied this from Mrs. Chili.

A – Age: 43

B – Bed size: King (and still not big enough)

C – Chore you hate: scrubbing the tub

D – Dog’s name: Treasure, Sam, Max (yeah, I'm crazy enough to have three dogs)

E – Essential start your day item: chai soy latte (made at home -- to save the $4)

F – Favorite color: orange

G – Gold or Silver: silver

H – Height: 5’8″

I – Instruments you play: piano, percussion

J – Job title: project manager (totally generic title that covers everything you can think of)

K – Kid(s): D8, J12

L – Living arrangements: An incredibly dilapidated two bedroom, ONE FREAKING BATH, house built in 1929.  In desperate need of a handyman.

M – Mom’s name: Norma Jean (adopted mother),  Maureen (birth mother)

N – Nicknames: I don't think I have any nicknames......  Oh, wait.  Does this count:  "Moooooooooooom!!!!!!"

O – Overnight hospital stay other than birth: Two lovely c-sections and tonsillitis.

P – Pet Peeve(s):  my horrible ability to procrastinate

Q – Quote from a movie: "Stay alive, no matter what occurs!!!"  or maybe every time Tom Cruise goes, "AAAHHHHHHH" and tries to look all intense.  Have you noticed he does that in all his movies?  What is that?

R – Right or Left handed: right

S – Siblings: one brother

T – Time you wake up: My alarm is set for 5:00 or 5:15.  I'm trying people.  I'm TRYING.

U -Underwear: sometimes.  just kidding.  maybe. 

V – Vegetable you dislike: beets.  I am almost throwing up in my mouth at the thought of them.

W – Ways you run late: I don't run late.  It's a sickness.  In fact, sometimes I fake being late because I am so ridiculously paranoid about being on time.

X – X-rays you’ve had: arms, ribs, teeth.  

Y – Yummy food you make: stuffed shells, madeliene cookies, mint-chocolate brownies, cardamom cookies, 

Z- Zodiac Sign: Aries.

shhhh

Don't tell my YTT teacher I'm blogging. I'm supposed to stay off-line tonight.  We spent the day doing restorative yoga and meditation.   Most restful state I have been in in years.

Going to bed now before my brain gets invaded by Pokeman.  Or worse.

Quick NaBloPoMo Post

I'm determined to see NaBloPoMo through this year.  Determined to get back to blogging.  I've been reading more blogs this week and I'm realizing how much I've missed everyone and how nice it is to find new bloggers.

I head back to Atlanta tomorrow morning for another weekend of yoga teacher training (YTT).  I always kind of dread it the day or two before.  The toughest part about YTT is leaving the family/house for the weekend.   I spend the a day or two before the weekend trying to clean up, get the laundry done and stock up the kitchen.  I also think about all the things I would be getting done if I were home all weekend.

Of course once I get there Saturday morning I forget about everything at home and can't imagine being anywhere else.

Then  Sunday night comes along and I have to re-enter the atmosphere and I can never quite figure out why my family isn't as blissed out as I am.

This weekend we have shortened hours of training so instead of staying in Atlanta tomorrow night I'm driving back home.  No I didn't have to do it.  It means I don't have to pack, spend extra money on food or use up more hotel points.  It does mean three hours in the car tomorrow and Sunday and I'm sure when I get home tomorrow (around 7:30 p.m.)  they are all going to need something.  

All of that said I kind of can't wait for the weekend to start.

Yeah, I Talk to Myself

I have this really embarrassing habit of talking to myself.  It's crazy.  At home I pretend I'm talking to the dogs, but let's face it, this is just a crazy habit of mine.

Although I spend a lot of time on the phone while I'm working, I also sit at my desk and talk to myself and I can't tell you how many times the neighbor's yard guy has overheard my craziness.

I know I do this in the car too.  Let's pretend I'm singing.  OK I'm doing that as well. But good Lord there I am driving down the street having a conversation with myself.  Even at red lights.  I'm sure of it.

The most ridiculous place I talk to myself is at the grocery store.  Yes, I'm admitting this to you.  It's insane.  I stand in the pasta aisle and start discussing dinner.   I see some weird, hard-to-find item and ooh and aah over it.

I talk to the bread.

Don't even get me started in the produce section.  Today I think I remember saying to myself, OUT LOUD,  "Do we have celery?"  "Where's the romaine?"  "God, I HATE beets!"

You know, I thought the employees at my favorite Publix knew my name because I'm there every day but it's possible it's just because I'm the crazy lady chatting up the apples and oranges.

Ordinary

On Wednesday evenings J has school so it's just me and the boys.  I've been feeling kind of run down all day so for dinner we took it easy and had breakfast.  Just the three of us.

One of the kids had pulled out an old knock knock joke book and we were passing it around the table while we ate, giggling and rolling our eyes.  Treasure sat in my lap.

Later D8 lounged in the bathtub, humming the theme to Star Wars and J12 surfed the internet while I folded laundry.

Now they are in bed, J12 reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.  D8 is still humming the theme to Star Wars.

As soon as I can I'm going to put this computer away, grab my Sookie Stackhouse book and burrow under the covers.

Just an ordinary evening in the middle of a pretty ordinary week.   It's chilly this evening and the idea that the holidays are just a few weeks away is tugging at the back of my mind.  I'm going to leave that idea there for awhile and just sit with the quiet for a few more days.

Ten Words Tuesday

Homeomade chai latte, dog in my lap, perfect Tuesday morning.

Is November still NaBloPoMo?

Do people still do that?  I'm going to, just to try and jumpstart myself back into blogging.

I've completed three weeks of Yoga Teacher Training.  It's going well.  It's very intense.  I'm overwhelmed with everything I need to do to every day and I'm not keeping up as well as I'd like -- the practice, the meditation, the studying.  Although a lot of it is just avoidance.  The time is there to get it all done, it's just a matter of discipline and prioritizing and facing head on all the issues and stuff a regular practice brings up.

All that said I can honestly say I feel clearer.  This morning that's the best word to describe it.  

This morning The Writer's Almanac had the absolutely perfect poem for this Monday, November 1 and I have to share it with you:

Monday

by Cindy Gregg

On this first day of November
it is cold as a cave,
the sky the color
of neutral third parties.
I am cutting carrots
for the chicken soup.
Knife against carrot
again and again
sends a plop of pennies
into the pan.
These cents,
when held to the gray light,
hold no noble president,
only stills
of some kaleidoscope
caught being pensive...
and beautiful,
in the eye of this beholder,
who did not expect
this moment of marvel
while making an early supper
for the hungry children.

"Monday" by Cindy Gregg, from Suddenly Autumn