Saturday, November 1, 2014

Actual Slow Panic

I've been suffering from a pretty severe case of anxiety for quite awhile.  Months.  Almost a year.

I've done yoga, meditation, writing, mandalas, walking, swimming.  It all helps, but my consistency with these things is sparse and intermittent.

I'm not on any medication this time and I'm not seeing a counselor.  I'm a little tired of those two solutions.

About a year ago my steady job of eighteen years started to become a little less steady.  In April I was laid off. Since then I've been working as a contractor for the same company but the pay is not as steady as it could be.

D12 was diagnosed with autism in September of this year, which was also a year long journey from the time his teacher raised concerns to the time we received the diagnosis.

The last month or so my anxiety has been close to debilitating.  I'm sure a professional would also say I'm depressed.

I want to write about it but at the same time, as is typical with anxiety and depression, I'm compelled to hide and isolate myself.   If there's anything worse then feeling this way it's telling someone you feel this way and seeing a blank look on their face, or worse, embarrassment or fear.  If you're not prone to anxiety and depression, if you've never experienced it, I have the feeling you really don't get it.

I can't say for sure because I have never been a person to not experience it.

The inertia is the worst.

Or maybe it's the tightness in my chest.  A tightness that on a couple of occasions kept me from eating, it had creeped so far up into my throat.  I started to wonder if I was near a panic attack.  I've never had a panic attack, but I'm thinking I may not have been to far from one.

Or maybe the worst part is constantly faking it because you have to.  You have to get the kids to school, you have to work, you have to interact with your family.  You have to live.  All the while beating down the voice inside that says "YOU CAN'T DO THIS!  YOU CAN'T SURVIVE!  THIS IS GOING TO END YOU!"

I have these little moments of hope, but lately they have been few and far between.  Every time I see one I hope it is the one I can grab onto and pull myself out.

It's hard to find a job and find your kid the services he needs when you can barely get through the most basic aspects of life.  But I keep trying.

I've talked to a few people (one an actual professional) and they tell me I am to hard on myself, expecting to much from myself to quickly.

I committed to NaBloPoMo for the month because I know writing helps.  A lot.  I know community helps and I know there is community out there.  I've just had a hard time finding my way to it.


Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Sounds between the outside and the inside you are getting pummeled. I wish I could drop by with a cup of tea and just give you a hug. This sounds like a lonely and hard slog right now. You are brave, though, to keep yourself out here and let others give you the verbal support anyway.

Bibliomama said...

Oh, pick me to be in your community! I just made an appointment to see my doctor to ask about cognitive behavioural therapy and a referral to a psychiatrist because I realized that I have a permanent knot in my stomach no matter HOW good or bad things are. It's kind of an exhausting way to live. So I get it. And you're dealing with a lot of external crap also, so it's really okay to let yourself admit that it sucks. Happy to be on a 30-day walk together. Want some gum? :)

smalltownme said...

Virtual hugs from me too. A lot of what you've written seems far too familiar to me.

Magpie said...

Here is a late but none the less heartfelt ((hug)) to you. It's been nice to have you commenting and see you posting.