Friday, November 8, 2013

Writing, Blogging, Prozac. Stuff Like That.

To write here again, to really write, is challenging me.  I don't know where to start.

I'm a little horrified that at one point I was willing to bare a bit of my soul here.

I'm a little horrified that to do so now terrifies me.

That doing so seems impossible, that I can't seem to break through and say anything.  There's so much.  Who knew there could be so much.

I don't know where to start.

Do I start with the very short stint I just did on Prozac?

Do I start with my aging mother, her move here two years ago, and her steady mental decline?

Maybe I should start with the psych evaluation D11 needs because of teacher and doctor's concerns about possible Aspergers and/or a social disorder. 

Or how hard it was to drop J15 off at school today when he was having major anxiety over a speech he had to give and a deep, intense worry about being teased because there was a skit at the talent show last night where a fictionalized character had his name.  And how I wanted to say "Don't be so crazy and neurotic" even as I was remembering the same fears and worries and how overwhelming and debilitating they can be.

I could talk about my insecurity as a yoga teacher, my weight gain, my mindless consumption of food that is really bad for me.

How hard my husband's six month unemployment was on me.  How it made me question our future and the direction of our lives.

How it made me question myself, my future and the direction of my life.

How I am trying to start running and how much I love our new puppy.

That we put two pets to sleep this fall.

How beautiful November is in Georgia.  Cool mornings, warm afternoons, perfect sunshine.

How so many small, wonderful things touch me every day and make me grateful for the life even as anxiety and fear grip and tear at me.

How the Prozac killed the anxiety, but also made me foggy and apathetic to most everything.

Did I mention the weight gain?

I don't know how to start, how to come back here, how to write, how to find balance in what I say, what I'm willing to share.  I don't now how.

Except I think I just did.  I think I just started.

I think I came back.


Bob said...

Yes, yes you did. Like any other writing, sometimes you just have to write. something. anything. Just to get back into the habit.

Not every post has to be soul-baring. Sometimes it can be the mundane. Share what you can, as you can.

We think our oldest is an Aspie. He's never been diagnosed, but he has the ?traits/symptoms?. Having the diagnosis could open some doors for your child should they need to be - possible accommodations at school, etc.

I hope you can find another way to deal with the anxiety - I'm surprised your doctor steered you towards an SSRI.

My job has been in jeopardy for about 6 years now. I've survived multiple layoffs and a relocation (my job was relocated from GA to SC - I commute every week. I do not recommend this, but in the current job market where I live (on the weekends) I haven't much choice right now). We just deal with it. It isn't easy, but as they say - over time you learn to cope with it. I do what I have to to keep a roof over our heads and food in our mouths.

Good luck with it all. Hopefully sharing some of it here will help you clarify things and provide a lever to deal with the pressures in your life.

smalltownme said...

That's over 2 weeks worth of ideas there!

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

There it is, all spilling out. Now you can write.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

You just did it. Maybe write something about each one of those things on the list?

As Jen on the Edge says, blogging is way cheaper than therapy.