Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Here Where I'm supposed To Be

Today work is really quiet.  I find myself between projects.  I'm going to take advantage of this (it won't last long) and attack the kids room and attic.  More decluttering, giving away and tossing.  Every inch of space I create brings me a little more peace.

We do live in a small house -- two bedroom/one bath.  We are four people, two dogs and a cat.  It's crowded.  But it is more crowded than it has to be.  We have to much stuff.   The stuff we need we don't always take care of.  We don't store it properly.  It creeps up on us and before we know it we are all feeling claustrophobic.  Most of this is just habits.  Habits we can change.

The past year has been a little rough for me.  I hit a point where I didn't want to be in this town or this house.  I felt stuck and scared and trapped. I thought in order to grow I needed to be somewhere else.  I didn't realize I needed to be here in order to grow.

Last night I took M's yoga class.  She is the matron of yoga in this town.  She has been teaching for decades.  I have meant to take her class for years -- since I started practicing and heard about her.  I met her last summer when she came to my class during her annual break from teaching.  I really felt a connection with her but it's taken me almost a year to get to her class.  Meanwhile I spent plenty of time resenting the fact that I am 90 minutes from the studio and teachers where I took teacher training and feeling stuck and panicked that I couldn't take advantage of those teachers and mentors.

M is not the only incredible teacher in this town.  The teachers at the studio where I teach are incredible and have so much to teach me.

I just need to stop spending my mental time and energy yearning for another place and time and really truly be present in this space.  To learn from the people that are here.

The same goes for this house.  Years of neglect and apathy have resulted in clutter and much disrepair.  For years I have felt completely overwhelmed and incapable of doing anything about it.  I have sent a lot of blame and resentment my husband's way, using his lack of progress on major repairs as an excuse not to move forward and the things I want and can do which includes everything from daily chores to redecorating.

Something shifted in me a few months ago, although I think the shift has been coming longer other that.  I believe it's the yoga and meditation.  I believe I made some internal changes that finally made an impact on my actions.  I cleaned up the front yard.  I created space out there that shifted the energy in the house and within me.  I began a task even though it felt impossible and overwhelming.  I completed that task.  I realized I can do it.  Then I moved on to the next.

So today I am walking back into the kids room (and yes, they are helping) and getting rid of more stuff, then we'll head back upstairs.  I really believe we are going to get that space turned into J13's room. I can't wait.  I can't wait to see what it becomes and how changing our environment changes our family.


Kellie said...

It's the hardest thing in the world to stop waiting for the imaginary "something better", but life is so much better when you do.

Trixie Bang Bang said...

Parts of that could have been written by me - always unhappy with my 2-bed, 1-bath, 2-cluttered home. yearning for some place else. Going to absorb your words, work on being present where I am and creating a better space here. Just tonight i was talking about moving to escape from it. good food for thought - thanks for posting.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

It sounds very positive.

My sister had a very cluttered house and my husband and I once cleaned it from top to bottom and organized things while she was in the hospital. Her kids were thrilled because they'd never had room to breathe in their rooms before. Not that your house is like that, but it does make a difference.

Jennifer said...

I'm so proud of you and so excited for you. This is really, really good.

laurie said...

hey---getting rid of stuff is such a good thing to do. you can see more easily, breathe more easily when the rooms are less cluttered. good luck with that!

and re my blog, and the "back" command: it's very easy to teach. it's all in the body language and the seriousness of delivery. riley, who is 10, learned it immediately.

basically you just get to the door first and wheel around and put both arms up (in the STOP position) and say, firmly, BACK. and if they try to weasel around you, get you leg in the way as a barricade and say BACK again. like you mean business!

and then do this every time they go through a doorway. they will learn it immediately, and that part of life will be calmer.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I think it's great that you're refocusing on cleaning house. I've been there, done that and came away feeling SO much freer, lighter and clearer.

anymommy said...

Oh my gosh, I know this is from a few weeks ago, but I so get this. I had been so stuck regarding our house for so long. Grief over the infertility kept me from acknowledging where we were and letting our house change with our family. It's happening slowly and it feels good.