Things That Almost Made Me Cry

OK then. Last I blogged I was all freaked out about a Herbst Appliance being glued into my kids mouth.

After my rant last Wednesday about orthodontia I took J13 to a second orthodontist consult. The first orthodontist spent maybe a total of five minutes with us between three visits.

Orthodontist #2 spent about 45 minutes with us on the first visit. He patiently listened to my freak out about the Herbst Appliance. He talked to J13. Talked to us about the severity of his overbite/jaw issues (very very very bad). Said there are two doctors in this -- himself and me. Said we just need to take it one step at a time and that there are other options to the Herbst. That he didn't think it was the right thing for J13.

He also said we need to wait at least nine months because he has one baby tooth to lose and four permanent teeth still coming in.

Which begs the question why was ortho #1 in such a freaking hurry?

Yes, I almost cried in his office talking to him, it was such a relief to have someone listen and understand. We are still going to a third consult just because I had the appointment set up and it is an orthodontist highly recommended.

Yesterday J13 started swim team. Against his will. He loves to swim and his swim teacher (who won the state butterfly in her division three years in a row and is on full swim scholarship at college this year) said he "has a talent and a gift and really needs to be on a team."

He really resisted and we really insisted and finally told him he was joining a team.

Yesterday was the first day of practice. J44 was going to stop by after work so I hung around with some other parents. We were all talking and watching the kids swim. I left about half way through practice to pick up a pizza and meet the kids at home after practice. Later J13 told me he thought I left because he wasn't doing well.

I wish I could tell you I don't know where he gets this but I do.

The thing is I'm so proud of him for getting in there and swimming when he really didn't want to (except I think he kind of wants to). I know how hard this is for him. He's never done any sports. He's terrified of others watching him, of failing. But I'm pretty sure buried under all that is a fierce competitor who wants to succeed and who will fight for it.

I don't know if swimming will turn out to be one his things. I hope it will. I want him to have the physical confidence that will come with it. I want him to take a chance and work for something and allow himself to fall in love with it.

It really broke my heart when he said he thought I left because of what he was doing. I don't know if he thought I was embarrassed or ashamed or angry. The thing is I praise my kids, tell them I'm proud of them, I believe in them. I tell them all the time. Yesterday reminded me of how insecure and sensitive J13 can be and that I need to pay attention and figure out what I can do to boost his confidence. He's such an amazing kid. They both are. I just hope someday they can see it as much as I do.

Braces and Other Scary Stuff

So J13 needs braces. We've been to the free consultation, had the x-rays/records taken and just this Monday got The Plan.

The Plan is three months with an expander on the roof of his mouth, three months of braces on his top teeth and then 12 - 18 months of this:

Are you kidding me? Here's a better picture:

Let me tell you something -- I miss potty training.

This nasty, horrifying torture devise is known as the Herbst Appliance. Google it if you dare.

This thing is creeping me out. Never mind my kids reaction when he saw it.

Looking at it makes me feel claustrophobic.

No I did not freak out in front of J13. I remained all calm and it's-no-big-deal. But I have pretty much been fetal on the inside since Monday afternoon.

I've been researching it on-line which has not been helpful. Note to self and all of you: Stay away from forums which feature teenagers discussing their feelings about braces.

OK, not all the teens were freaking out about it, but plenty were. One girl said she cried every day for two years.  Lots of kids said it was not big deal once they got used to it.  Several said it was hideous.

I just can't stand the idea of this being in my kid's mouth permanently for 18 months.

I did find an article by an oral surgeon saying he believes it can cause arthritis later in life and other permanent damage to the jaw.

If J13 is willing to wear a headgear every day for 12 hours and rubberbands 24/7 he can skip the Herbst.

My plan is this -- show him pictures of both the Herbst and the headgear and discuss the pros and cons of both and let him decide.

I'm also getting a second and possibly a third opinion. I'm sure the treatment plan will be the same but I'm dishing out $6,000 over the next few years. I'd like to make sure we are with the doctor/staff/office that fits us best.

I'm telling you I am really freaked out by this thing. The braces and all that don't bother me. Maybe because I wore them. Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe not. I'm purposely dragging my kid once a month to a place which is going to cause him pain and discomfort. Even if it's what he needs and is best for him I hate it.

I thought the most painful part would be paying for it, but honestly it's putting him through it. I wore braces and it was not fun.

Have any of your kids worn a Herbst Appliance? I'm really looking for some advice/feedback on this whole ortho thing.

Am I crazy to get two more opinions? I have an appointment tomorrow and one for mid-September. I really want to get the whole thing started, but want to do what's right for J13.

Ten Word Tuesday - Who I Am

I feel like Martha Stewart trapped in Pig Pen's body.

I Do Love Mondays

After my rant yesterday I immediately got to work and got tons of stuff done around the house.

Took J13 to the doctor and got in and out in record time. Yes, he still has swimmer's ear. Poor kid. It's been about about four weeks now.

Brought him home, made lunch, ran and picked up his new meds and came home and got ALL THE LAUNDRY DONE.

I wouldn't lie to you about that. That wouldn't be nice. I really did get all the laundry done.

Also started gutting the kids room and they helped. The new rule is they get their butts in and help me or everything goes in the trash. Since they are terrified of having even the tiniest thing tossed (example: 1/8 of a body part of an unidentifiable toy from a Happy Meal purchased in 2001 -- "I NEED that, I LOVE that") they helped.

I even got them to toss some stuff. I did. And when they wander off and get distracted? I tossed, tossed tossed.

We still have a lot of work to do -- in this whole house, but I got a lot done.

And then this morning came. Although there is this moment right after I drop the kids off when I feel kind of bad and I miss them and wish they didn't have to go to school, I pretty much lose that the second I walk in the door and hear nothing and see no one but three crazy dogs.

I do love Mondays.

Waiting for Monday

I'm feeling pulled in a million directions and I know most women my age, in my situation feel the same way and a lot of them don't complain.  Or I assume they don't complain.  I think that's kind of part of my problem.  I assume everyone around me is handling life graciously, easily and successfully.

I've been trying not to blog about anxiety, fear, the abyss (see anxiety and fear), stress, etc.  But I have been freaking out.  There's so much going on:

J44 has been having problems with his back since Father's Day.  Since he works in commercial heating and air and we live in Georgia summers are extremely busy.  He spends most of the time in the office at a desk -- except in the summer.  Then he's out helping the techs and he ends up working a lot of weekends.

He's been having back problems all summer and hasn't worked on our house (mainly installing our central heat and air).  The lawn needs mowing, there's just a lot that needs to be done and he hasn't been able to do.  I was feeling really resentful about it Friday.  Angry.  Frustrated.

Yesterday morning he bent over to pick something up and BAM popped or pulled something and is more miserable then ever.  It's horrible.  It's bad enough I stopped feeling resentful.  That's saying something.  However I am still holding on to the frustration. 

So there's my husband's back and lack of ability to help around the house.

I'm taking J13 back to the doctor today -- third visit -- for his ears.  He was diagnosed with swimmer's ear at the beginning of the month.  He's still having mild problems and I don't want to take him out of school to go to the doctor.  I think it's nothing, but he's been taking motrin three times a day so obviously something is going on.

I'm still dealing with Sam (senile dog).  She seems to be feeling good during the day and I've been giving her benadryl before I go to bed,  She's not wandering at 11:00, but she is waking at 4:00 a.m. and will not settle down or stop barking until I sleep on the couch with her.  So now I just get up when she barks once at 4:00 and settle down on the couch.  She lays down and goes to sleep.  This seems to be the only thing that works.  She's old and senile and confused at night and she wants me with her and for some reason just won't settle down in our bedroom.  Not sure why.

And then this afternoon I have to run over to my mom's to set up her new lawn mower so J13 can mow the lawn.  I took her to buy it Friday.  Jamie was planning on helping her buy it and set it up and mow the lawn -- but he can't because of his back.  So I'm doing it.  There goes my afternoon -- which means I'll be behind on laundry, cleaning (which I was going to do Friday, but I had to take her to buy the mower -- at which time she told me she had cleaned her house and if felt so good -- UGH).

I don't want to complain about all these things because they are part of this stage in my life.  But I do feel worn out and afraid I am never going to have a second to breath. I feel like the anxiety and stress is  slowly overtaking every inch of me.  Honestly, I'm looking forward to Monday morning when everyone is out of this house and I can breathe and have some silence -- even though I'll be at work.

That's what it's come to.  Waiting for Monday.

Friday Night At Home. Finally.

I can't even believe this is happening. It's Friday night, 7:36 p.m. and my computer has not yet been confiscated by D9. So I'm grabbing this opportunity to post.

Should I tell you he is instead playing Angry Birds on my iPhone? He is.

I am so very pleased it's Friday night and I don't have to be anywhere.

Last weekend was busy -- I had a party Friday night (yes, me) and on Saturday a book signing at Barnes and Noble for our neighbor who just had her second mystery published. More about that later -- I have copies of both books (first two in a series) to give away.

This weekend I have NO PLANS. Besides teaching a class tomorrow, going to see The Help tomorrow night and probably going to my mom's to help her mow the lawn or at least set up her new lawn mower which I helped her buy today. Which leads directly to the lovely pomegranate mojito I just had at dinner.

It was yummy. And much needed.

That woman (my mother) stresses me out. In case I hadn't mentioned that before.

By the time I got home and got the kids doing homework it was to late to make dinner (OK not really). J44 came home and said we should go out. Like I would argue with that.

My plan for tonight is to post this post, put my jammies on, have a bowl of mint oreo ice cream and crawl into bed and start Tooth and Claw by Jo Walton. I read about this book on Nancy Pearl's blog. Love her blog. If you're a reader you need to check her out.

And that's it. I've been waiting all week to crawl into bed and read. At some point the kids will come and hang out with me or ask me to come watch a show or movie. Which I will probably do.

Weekend, I am so ready for you.

Poem Thursday - O'Donohue

A very dear friend sent me this poem last week. She knew I was going through a rough time. This poem, every word of it, hit home and fed me and reminded me of where I'd been, where I am, and where I need to go.

This poem came to me at a time when I truly needed it. Thanks S, for sending this my way. You are truly a kindred spirit.

A Blessing for One Who is Exhausted

by John O'Donohue

When the rhythm of the heart becomes hectic,

Time takes on the strain until it breaks;

Then all the unattended stress falls in

On the mind like an endless, increasing weight,

The light in the mind becomes dim.

Things you could take in your stride before

Now become laborsome events of will.

Weariness invades your spirit.

Gravity begins falling inside you,

Dragging down every bone.

The tide you never valued has gone out.

And you are marooned on unsure ground.

Something within you has closed down;

And you cannot push yourself back to life.

You have been forced to enter empty time.

The desire that drove you has relinquished.

There is nothing else to do now but rest

And patiently learn to receive the self

You have forsaken for the race of days.

At first your thinking will darken

And sadness take over like listless weather.

The flow of unwept tears will frighten you.

You have traveled too fast over false weather.

The flow of unwept tears will frighten you.

You have traveled too fast over false ground;

Now your soul has come to take you back.

Take refuge in your senses, open up

To all the small miracles you rushed through.

Become inclined to watch the way of rain

When it falls slow and free.

Imitate the habit of twilight,

Taking time to open the well of color

That fostered the brightness of day.

Draw alongside the silence of stone

Until its calmness can claim you.

Be excessively gentle with yourself.

Stay clear of those vexed in spirit.

Learn to linger around someone of ease

Who feels they have all the time in the world.

Gradually, you will return to yourself,

Having learned a new respect for your heart

And the joy that dwells far within slow time.

Samageddon - Another post about my senile dog

Oh Sam. My sweet sweet Sammy dog.

12:45 a.m.

That's when I finally gave up last night and came to the couch. I woke her up from a deep sleep at 10:45, walked her (AGAIN) and gave her two Benedryl.

She then started the wandering.

Around 11:30 J came to bed and that's when the barking started. We decided that it was purely behavioral and not senility. Or rather behavior due to senility and dang it we are the adults/owners/alpha beings in this situation and she can just GET OVER IT.

So we locked her out of the bedroom side of the house and listened to her bark until 12:45. At which point J said "That's it she has to be put down."

At which point I grabbed my pillow and blanket and headed to the couch while he yelled after me "You are just giving into her behavior you know. You aren't changing anything."

To which I replied, "No shit."

As soon as I snuggled into the couch she laid down next to me and fell asleep. She slept until 6:30. This is actually huge progress.

Today she's been up and about more than usual. I think she really has gotten her days and nights switched and I'm going to keep giving her Benedryl and try and get her straightened out. I know the end is not to far away but it's not here yet.

We seem to be at the point where I need to put a lot of energy and thought into keeping her comfortable and aware of what's going on. She's been sleeping under my desk while I worked for 14 years. I'm not ready to let her go and I know it's not time yet. I'm not ready to lose my sweet Sam.

Monday, Stop Making Me Fall in Love With You

Really it's Sunday night I should thank.

I had the perfect trifecta last night -- one chihuahua coughing all night, one senile mutt wandering the house and randomly barking, one 13 year old with swimmer's ear waking me up from a) the pain and b) the coughing chihuahua. It all kind of kept circling around on itself. I ended up on the couch -- which I do most nights now -- for Sam (senile dog). She wouldn't settle down so I watched The season premier of The Great Food Truck Race. I think I fell asleep around 4:00.

It was not easy getting everybody up and out the door this morning but we made it on time. I took Treasure to the vet for his cough (it's NOTHING. WHATEVER.) and then back home to finally work. And take calls from my mother about her never ending hunt for a mattress (yes, she moved here without a mattress) and her search for doctors.

At noon J13 called and wanted to come home due to his ears. I am to tired to fight this. And I kind of like having him home. Shhhh. Don't tell anyone.

Also, as you can see from the photo above, Treasure is quite pleased as well.

Do you know what that boy did as soon as he had his ear drops and some Motrin? Without any prompting from me? Started studying. He's still at it two hours later. So proud of him.

Chihuahua in a quilt

I'm working on quilting this quilt. It is taking FOREVER. The chihuahua is pretty sure I'm making it for him. Silly dog.

Friday

This is the part where I try to start posting every day. The kids went back to school yesterday. I hate it and I love it. Mostly I love it.

J13 started 7th grade and at our school that's where you switch buildings and go to a middle school/high school system -- lockers, a different room/teacher for each class. All of that. It's a whole new game for him. It's good. It's time. He gave me the droopy attitude this morning and started telling me about how horrible it is and he doesn't want to go and I put my foot down and told him no screwing around. I am not going through the mopey mornings this year. I can't take it. He does have one kid that picks on him and the other smart/unathletic kids. Yesterday when J13 was at his locker this kid walked past him, ran into him and said, "hey, watch it." J13 turned to him and said "Hey you ran into me!" I'm glad he's willing to stand up to him. The kid pisses me off and I'd like to kick his ass but I suppose that wouldn't be appropriate.

D9 started 3rd grade yesterday. His nemesis (a smart mouthed little girl) is on the other 3rd grade class and his best friend is sitting next to him in the back row. I don't think he could ask for a better start to the year.

My mom has been here almost two weeks. The first week was so much worse than I thought it would be. Pretty freaking horrible. This week was a little better. The worst thing is she'll just stop by without calling. Annoying. I'm going to have to talk to her. It's not every day. In her mind the seven miles between my house and her house is a great distance. I don't quite understand this since she previously lived 12 hours away. I think she assumed when she moved to Macon she would be right around the corner. I don't know why. The first few days she complained a lot that her house was seven miles from mine. In fact she complained about EVERYTHING. It was horrible. I finally got onto her about it. Then two hours later yelled at my family for complaining about my mother. The week went downhill fast after that.

I'm definitely feeling pulled in a million directions. Work, kids, mother, husband, yoga. I'm kind of not liking it, but I know it will all be OK. She'll settle in and get involved in her church. I'll find something else to blog about. Eventually. I promise.

Tired. Really Tired.

So this is what 44 is all about.

I have one senile dog who does not sleep at night. She paces and paces and paces and randomly barks. Sometimes she gets lost in the bathroom. When I say lost I mean she is standing in the bathroom facing the open door, the light is on, and she barks until I help her out.

I had her checked out -- blood work is fine. They want to put her on the same medicines humans take for alzheimer's. It's $3.00 a day. I really can't afford that right now. Although I'm ready to cave and put her on the drugs and not tell my husband I'm dropping $100 a month on the dog. But I think he'll notice. It's breaking my heart. I don't think she has much time left. In the meantime I am tired.

My mom moved here on Sunday. It's rough. On Tuesday I basically got onto her and my family and told them all to stop complaining about it. Mom was unhappy with pretty much everything in her new house and the location and just on and on and on. My husband and children were complaining about my mom. I finally told them all I couldn't live like that anymore and they had to shut up.

I just feel like I have another person to take care of. I know it's extra crazy now because she is getting used to a new town and having to take care of all the new stuff. The moving truck doesn't even get here until Monday so she has no furniture, no cooking utensils. I've gone from talking to her maybe once a week to talking to her many times a day.

The kids start school next week. I still need to buy supplies. I don't want them to go back.

My husband and kids are at the beach for four days. Yes, I was mad at him for planning a trip four days after my mom arrived. I felt like I needed to stay in town to help her. That said I quickly filled my schedule up with other stuff.

I also felt like I couldn't take off teaching yoga again since I just did so in July for a business trip.

Ugh. I'm busy and I'm tired. I don't really think I should complain to much because I don't know any other person my age who isn't crazy busy and being pulled in a million directions.

Last night I taught a yoga class and did a private lesson afterwards. It was great. I had a blast and I was energized and felt wonderful afterwards.

This morning when I came to work I just felt heart sick having to sit down and take care of this stuff. But I just tuck that away -- that my job is just a job and isn't something I'm crazy about and that I have found something I'd like to do full-time but I can't because we need my income. Desperately.

I am a little tired of being there for everybody else and still trying to follow my path or whatever you want to call it.

If my dog would sleep I'd probably feel a lot better.

I feel like I shouldn't blog because I'm just whining. And scared. And tired.

Not sure I mentioned the tired part.