Thursday, September 1, 2011

Ugly

I feel ugly.  I feel stupid and clumsy and like I shouldn't be here.  I get out of bed early.  Around 5:15.  I write my morning pages.  It's like writing mud.  Then I get on the mat.  It's slow.  It's sad.  I spend 25, maybe 30 minutes on my mat.  Doing slow, low poses.  I try to listen to my body.  Feel into my body.  It's creaky.  A little achy.  I haven't been taking care of it.

I feel fat.  I've been doing so much nervous eating.  I've gained weight when I should be losing.

I feel like a fraud.

I miss the piano.  I used to be someone who played two hours a day.  That was college.  But more recently I was someone who played an hour a day.  How did I lose that?

To yoga?  I can't do everything.

The mat, meditation, journaling.  Those are essential.  Must happen for my sanity.

Which might not seem so obvious right now.

I've been so discouraged lately.  I don't know how to do this.

My kids need me so much right now.  So so much.  D9 and J13.  They are in the middle of it.  So much going on in those sweet little heads.  So much worry and pain and growing and finding and fear and I want to stick my head in the sand, feel like I have been sticking my head in the sand.

Feeling like I had to much going on.  Feeling like I'm not present enough.  To caught up in wondering what if and why not and finding it impossible to be right here.

It is so stupid.

I feel stupid too.

I feel lost.  I feel a bit of hopelessness and a whole lot of panic and not even here and how do I do this?

This being get dinner on the table every night and help J13 learn how to study and organize and grow and be comfortable in his own skin.  And also remember I have a second child who needs me too.  Who has doubts and insecurities and questions and fears.

How can I show my kids how to be comfortable in their skin when I'm not comfortable in mine?

Here's one no one likes to hear.  I am sick to death tired of my job.  It's stressful and it's demanding and I don't enjoy it.  No, that's not quite it. I do enjoy it sometimes and I love my boss and the people I work with.  But I'm not passionate about it.  I do it because it is a sweet deal for me -- working at home and total flexibility to be home with the kids when they need me or to do stuff at school.  Everyone tells me how lucky I am to have this job and I am.

That said I feel lost.  I feel like I'm standing on the sidelines and life is just whirling past me and I can't quite reach out and grab anything.  It's just going to fast.

I feel like I almost can't quite breath.  Not fully and deeply.  Like I can't even quite hold onto the essentials.


8 comments:

Rebecca said...

Working from home is great because of the reasons you mentioned but it's also lonely and isolating. You need to do something that takes you out of this funk. It's not just your children that need you to get better, it's you. You have one life and it's short. It's a shame to have to live it filled with these feelings all the time. So maybe it's better to go into an office and have less flexibility but feel more whole and alive for your kids and yourself. Feeling alive and happy comes from the inside but you need outside help sometimes. Get what you need from outside, whether it's friendships, adventure, work, or something else. Do it for yourself. Get outside of your home. You can't have your whole life be these internal things...it can be suffocating. The outside world whether it be colleagues, friends, classmates (any kind of class, gym, music, dance) can give you energy to feel alive and vibrant as a woman. A woman that is separate than the mother and wife at home. A vibrant, beautiful, smart, sassy woman!

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

If it's any consolation, I do believe the time you give your kids now will result in time saved for yourself later.
I have no answers, just hopeful that your world turns a sharp corner so you feel less stressed and overwhelmed.

sherilee said...

Oh, you put into words what so many of us feel at times. You are brave and much stronger than you feel right now. Hang in there and give yourself the space to feel like crap and know it will pass.

Take care of you.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

If you spend a good chunk of your time doing something you don't enjoy that would certainly be depressing.

I really love what Rebecca said about the outside world--I do think my girlfriends add a huge amount of enjoyment to my life.

flutter said...

but what you are, is lovely. what you are is talented, what you are is kind. so tell your brain to shut the fuck up

V-Grrrl @ Compost Studios said...

I relate to a lot of what Rebecca wrote in her comment. I've worked at home for about 15 years. So much about that is wonderful, but I *do* get isolated and lonely and bored. My kids are older than yours, and while I can see all they've gained from having me around, I also know the toll it's taken and often wish my life had more boundaries and dividers so that every minute I wasn't accessible and up for grabs.

Lilian Hulen said...

A lot of people feel the same way… There are some points in our lives when we can't resist thinking about these. Being pretty improves our self-confidence, that's why people are always conscious of how they look. Well, you shouldn't be if you know for yourself that you ARE pretty.

Jack Sebastian said...

You need to sit back, relax. Reflect on your life, and probably change your lifestyle. It's difficult when the one thing you're used to doing doesn't make you happy anymore. A physical and mental make-over can probably help.

[Jack Sebastian]