I feel ugly. I feel stupid and clumsy and like I shouldn't be here. I get out of bed early. Around 5:15. I write my morning pages. It's like writing mud. Then I get on the mat. It's slow. It's sad. I spend 25, maybe 30 minutes on my mat. Doing slow, low poses. I try to listen to my body. Feel into my body. It's creaky. A little achy. I haven't been taking care of it.
I feel fat. I've been doing so much nervous eating. I've gained weight when I should be losing.
I feel like a fraud.
I miss the piano. I used to be someone who played two hours a day. That was college. But more recently I was someone who played an hour a day. How did I lose that?
To yoga? I can't do everything.
The mat, meditation, journaling. Those are essential. Must happen for my sanity.
Which might not seem so obvious right now.
I've been so discouraged lately. I don't know how to do this.
My kids need me so much right now. So so much. D9 and J13. They are in the middle of it. So much going on in those sweet little heads. So much worry and pain and growing and finding and fear and I want to stick my head in the sand, feel like I have been sticking my head in the sand.
Feeling like I had to much going on. Feeling like I'm not present enough. To caught up in wondering what if and why not and finding it impossible to be right here.
It is so stupid.
I feel stupid too.
I feel lost. I feel a bit of hopelessness and a whole lot of panic and not even here and how do I do this?
This being get dinner on the table every night and help J13 learn how to study and organize and grow and be comfortable in his own skin. And also remember I have a second child who needs me too. Who has doubts and insecurities and questions and fears.
How can I show my kids how to be comfortable in their skin when I'm not comfortable in mine?
Here's one no one likes to hear. I am sick to death tired of my job. It's stressful and it's demanding and I don't enjoy it. No, that's not quite it. I do enjoy it sometimes and I love my boss and the people I work with. But I'm not passionate about it. I do it because it is a sweet deal for me -- working at home and total flexibility to be home with the kids when they need me or to do stuff at school. Everyone tells me how lucky I am to have this job and I am.
That said I feel lost. I feel like I'm standing on the sidelines and life is just whirling past me and I can't quite reach out and grab anything. It's just going to fast.
I feel like I almost can't quite breath. Not fully and deeply. Like I can't even quite hold onto the essentials.