Friday, April 29, 2011

Shopping Makes My Ass Look Fat

or

Why I'm Drinking a Double Pomegranate Martini


Guess what? Shopping makes my ass look fat. I'm not making this up. It's true.

You may have noticed this yourself.

At home you're safe.

But as soon as you hit the store and dare to go into the dressing room, there it is. Your ass has doubled in size. Then it's all over. Even when you leave the store it's there. In the windows of the stores you walk past. In the mirrors they so stupidly place around the store.

In the horrified faces of the other women you walk past.

Today I went shopping for some summerish pants -- something below the knee but above the ankle.

What a nightmare.

I tried on a lot of pants -- but there was something wrong with all of them. They all made my ass look fat. Gargantuan. I know it can't really be that bad can it?

But it is. Oh it is.

I finally broke down and bought a pair at one of those chain stores targeted at middle aged women such as myself.

I hate those stores.

They looked so bad my husband commented on them and he never says anything.

In fact they were so bad he sent me out shopping again after dinner.

Now you know it was bad.

I ended up, out of desperation, buying a couple pairs that will get me through the summer and OK I even like them.

Although that could be the vodka talking.

You know what the worst part is? I have two swimsuits sitting in my room that I ordered but have not tried on yet. I'm gonna need a hell of a lot more martinis before I face that.

11 comments:

smalltownmom said...

I still have mirror blindness. I can see myself in a mirror and still think I'm OK.

But a photo? Of my backside? OMG, who is that fat saggy lump? I had one of those moments yesterday.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

You need to quit looking in 3-way mirror--no good can come of that, ever.

sherilee said...

Wow, it's like you were in my mind as I was wandering a shopping area just yesterday. I spotted myself in a window and thought, Really? Where did that bubble butt come from? It was very disconcerting but it probably saved me money--I bought nothing, tried on nothing. Could be a long summer...

What kills me is that I have clothes in a particular size at home, but when I go to try on that same number at the store? They don't fit. How is that?

Sophia the Writer said...

First of all, I looked at some of the pictures from last night's photo shoot and I thought _I_ looked fat. So it's just us being girls.

Why don't you spend the summer in maxi dresses like I always do? They hide ALL sins.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Another reason why I HATE shopping and love skirts. So forgiving.
Mirrors? Notsomuch.

Unlikely Oilfield Wife said...

I totally feel your pain. I never look at my butt unless I'm in a dressing room, and more than once I've walked out with mascara streaming down my face.

Karen said...

I've become very adept at seeing myself in a 3-way mirror without actually seeing myself in a 3-way mirror...much more peaceful that way.

Veronica said...

I'm tall and in recent years have become a bit, um, *hefty*. Spent the weekend with a friend my age who is under 5 feet, petite, and owns a bikini and a pair of Daisy Dukes. Can I admit that the difference between our size, shapes, and styles made me cry? It did. I feel so used up.

Lucia said...

I feel your pain! Martini's after shopping sounds good I have never tried that!

Jennifer said...

The sarong is the best piece of clothing ever invented for summer. Because bathing suits are mean.

Jennifer said...

Oh, and mirrors.