My alarm goes off at 5 every morning. I wake up at 4:45 a.m. My body, my mind, is telling me to get the hell out of bed. I've been fighting and fighting and fighting. I got pretty low but I think the changing that is happening in me is stronger then the resistance. Finally.
I want to cry. I want to write. I do. I've been reading some incredibly honest, put-it-out-all-out-there bloggers lately and I kind of make myself sick for just bullshitting and doing this half-ass.
A lot is happening.
Sometimes, most of the time, I worry to much about what you will say or think. Especially if I know you.
I miss people and I feel so stuck. This can't possibly be my life. I can't possibly live here. I had the conversation with my husband where we said the words to each other "do you want to be here?" "do you want to stay?" "do you want this to last?"
So I get up at 5:00 to do yoga and meditate. This morning I get to the mat and I feel lost. I know what to do but I don't know what to do. I spend most of my time in child's pose. I keep coming back to it. I want to cry but I can't. I saw some of my yoga friends Sunday night and I felt them slipping away. Maybe not slipping away. I felt the time that had passed between graduation and Sunday. The month that had passed, the places we had been without each other. The people we had seen, the things we had done. I don't know. Maybe that's just my usual shutting down, pulling away, giving up.
They are so far away -- 90 minutes. I am so here. With my job, my kids, my marriage, my house. I can't get to them. Every time I talk to them something comes up that reminds me where I am.
So I spend most of my time in child's pose. Finally, I start to cry. But just the beginning, no tears come. I start to let go. I'm holding on so tight to this stuff, whatever it is. But for just a second, just a moment, I start to let go.
Yesterday after meditation in the morning, I laid down, in a fetal position, and I felt a little safe and a little warm. And I guess that's the beginning. I guess that's what I'm coming to this mat for. To go deeper and deeper and deeper and pull all that shit out and look at it and let it go and move on. I don't know how and I know how. I'm lost and I'm found. I'm beautiful and about as fucking ugly as can be. I'm a little bit dead and completely alive.