Monday, February 14, 2011

Ugh. Yeah, I said UGGGHHH

You would think since I graduated from yoga teacher training on Saturday I'd be all blissed out and enlightened today.

Instead I feel cranky and grouchy and scared.  Ugh.  Yucky.  I feel yucky.  I miss everyone so much.  We spent a lot of time in circle (yes, like kindergarten) and doing all this emotionally intense soul searching stuff.  Damn it if I didn't get ridiculously attached to these people and actually made friends.

I know.

Yes I am proud of myself for completing the course and getting certified.  It doesn't really seem to mean much to me though.  It's just barely the beginning.  I don't really know anything about teaching or yoga or any of it.

I'm scared my old life, my real life is going to suck me back into the old me.  The stuck me.  The one that stopped believing in change or hope or people or puppies or any damn thing.

I feel like, over the past few months I dropped a lot of all the yucky stupid stuff that's built up over the past 15 years and has been holding me down.

Now I'm scared it's going to come back.

Also, losing all that stuff, I can see how much change I want in my life.  How much more change.  How unhappy I am with my job.  How I don't really want to live in this town anymore.  I miss the city.  Spending so much time in Atlanta, with my new friends.  I'm so afraid of losing that.

But I know I'm going to lose it.  But do I have to?

Are you still reading this post?  It's a mess.

I'm a mess today.  I'm not happy.  I'm scared.  I want those people back.  I want the circle back.  I want the safety of the circle back.

I know the point of the whole thing was to bring about actual, real change so we could become our true, genuine selves get out there and help people.  And I want to do that.

Today, and for a few more days,  I'm in mourning.

I have to leave so much behind to move ahead.


the sandwich life said...

Change SUCKS, doesn't it? Even when it's good change...or change for's still damn hard...

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I think you feel the way all people on the verge of change feel-scared. I hope you work through it and get to a better place.

Sophia the Writer said...

You said it sister.

The wife of a pastor I used to know said once, about loss, "The pain is just the dropping away of things you don't need anymore."

Last year people and beliefs fell out of my life and it hurt, but I knew it was necessary (some of those were negative people). I went through a lot of bitterness that finally fell away when 2011 came, none too soon.

I still cry with mourning at times, but it's all good. It's all good.

sherilee said...

That last sentence said it all, to me. Courage!