Saturday, March 6, 2010

Me. With a Side of Bitter

Over the past few months J11 has really started drawing and making stuff and expressing himself in creative ways. This afternoon I said something like, "He's really taking off with art" to MH and he replied, "Yeah, he's an artist."

I was walking out to the laundry with yet another load of clothes to wash when he said it and as I set the basket down on the washing machine I thought to myself, "yeah, and I'm a Mom." Uh oh. There it was. A little bit of bitter.

I'm trying to find a little of myself in all this being the mom stuff but I don't feel like I'm managing it much. Then I feel stupid for not managing anything but the house/mom stuff. Then I realize feeling stupid for that is stupid because really it's a couple of full-time jobs all smashed into one person.

Then I start wondering if Mom's have always felt that way. When did we start resenting it? In the 80s? The 60s? The 19th century? Are we different then Mom's were 300 years ago or do we just feel free to express it, maybe even sometimes obligated to express it?

I suppose forty years ago you just vented to your friends over a cup of coffee, now we broadcast it over the whole dang internet.

The truth is that thought flashed through my mind and was gone by the time I pressed start on the machine. Now I'm writing this sitting in a rocking chair while my 7 year old hums in the top bunk and the 11 year old pretends he's not going to bed. You know. Cuz he's 11.

So no I'm not bitter now. I'm happy to be here with them and can't imagine life without them or who I would be if I had never had them. When I do try and imagine that person I don't think I'd like her as much as I like this me. Wait. Did I just say I like myself? Damn. I gotta go.


10 comments:

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I really don't think I've ever had that resentfulness--but I think that's because I grew up with a mom who worked and wanted nothing more than to be a SAHM.

I'm glad your feeling passed quickly and you're back to enjoying your kids.

52 Faces said...

I have those moments quite a bit these days, as we've commiserated over. It just happened this morning, when I woke up hours way too early before my SATURDAY work shift (shoot me) stressed out over my gigantic bitch of a boss.

My insomnia makes me particularly prone to critical thoughts about myself (it's my own personal demon, lucky me) and I generally skew towards the "I'm such a pathetic loser to allow myself to be underpaid so grievously. All my friends earn so much more than me and have such better men than I do and I'm such a failure in so many major life aspects." And so on.

Luckily I took a nap since then and got some good idea for my novel revision after watching Alice in Wonderland so I, like you, got back on track.

V-Grrrl @ Compost Studios said...

I get this. Really. Often my days are spent shuffling my young teens to activities and social events, making sure they have an opportunity to pursue their interests and passions and sustain their friendships and succeed in school and be fit and be intellectually stimulated etc. etc. And my life (mostly) stands still as I facilitate theirs surging forward. I remember being 17 and being The Smart One, The Athletic One, The Mature One, Miss Most-Likely-to-Succeed. Loved by teachers and parents alike. I was The Grrrl With the Bright Future. There are many days I wonder where that grrrl went.

Jennifer S said...

I feel both of these feelings on most days. But you knew that.

Anonymous said...

What a great resource!

furiousBall said...

Absolutely, 100% total normal. I'm obviously not a Mom despite my penchant for wearing Abbe's clothes... she'll probably never read this, it's fine. But, these duties or chores can wear us down, every night though, I tuck my two short people in and take a second to remember the excruciating two years my ex took them away from me.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

You need to read Gail Collins new book STAT. And yes, I feel the same way a LOT.

citymouse said...

I think most moms feel this way one time or another (or at least I hope I'm not the only one!). It's hard to wear so many hats and not feel like there's no time for you. I'm just thankful that those moments pass.

Karen said...

Oh yes...been there. It comes and goes. But I'm a big advocate for taking "ME" time--spend time every day on your passion (even if it's only a moment or two). The bitterness can be gift--why are you bitter and what can you do to stop feeling it? What are you wanting that's missing in your life right now? Be easy with yourself--all is well...

Coco said...

I think one of the hardest things is that you never get off work. Maybe once they are asleep but by then we are totally trashed by the day.

If you watch Real Housewives of Orange County...don't you just crack up over Alexis having two nannies and saying she is a full time mom.